On Family, Grief, and Catharsis

It’s been a very cathartic few weeks for me. Even as I sit down to write this I'm starting to cry. But it's okay. I know that it's good to let the emotions out versus keeping them bottled up inside. And this is all coming from a beautiful experience I had last weekend with my brother and cousin down in Portland.

We finally, after eight years, decided to spread our aunt’s ashes in the Willamette River in downtown Portland. She passed away at age 49 after a very hard life of relentless addictions and many bad choices. But we chose to remember all the times with her when we were kids. Just innocent and having fun.

I don’t think any of us really realized the power of what we were doing until we were in the thick of it. Spreading the ashes of a loved one can be a meaningful and healing way to process grief and honor their memory.

My brother graciously suggested we take out his boat from Vancouver on the Columbia River into downtown Portland onto the Willamette River. I, of course, had to make the playlist, which consisted of a lot of throwback songs to the 70s and early 80s. And we had to celebrate her with a forty of Olde English (in true Aunt Tammy style). We had the tears under control until the music started. And all the stories started coming to the surface with a little liquid courage.

And then came the releasing of ashes, which none of us had ever done before. It was such a symbolic way of letting go of her, finally. It feels like the shift I certainly needed, from holding onto the remains to embracing memories of her and the flood of emotions that trailed.

Not only did it feel bigger than us, like a way to transcend the limitations of physical presence, it was an acknowledgment that she was no longer confined to a specific location (a box in my house) but had become a part of the world around us.

The three of us created a day of cherished memories that will last us a lifetime! My heart is full.